CALICO LANE

The news currently tracking across my (liberal, sex-worker-heavy) Twitter feeds is immensely frustrating: Craigslist is shutting down its Erotic Services section, under orders of Connecticut’s Attorney General Richard Blumenthal. This represents a complete lack of awareness and responsibility, and in the place of the action sex workers have been longing to see, it is maddening.

It seems like a response to the recent, highly publicized attacks on sex workers who were advertising through Craigslist. Markoff probably targeted sex workers like Julia Brisbane because they seemed like easy targets: isolated by stigma from friends and family, unlikely to have recourse to the law, and even if they did, unlikely to receive fair and sympathetic treatment. The more press coverage the issue got, the more it seemed like there might be action to help stop this sort of crime. Now, there’s finally action, and it’s being wasted on mistaken and harmful directives.

As a sex worker I’ve rarely advertised on Erotic Services, but I’ve used Craigslist’s Casual Encounters recreationally. I mention it because that came under scrutiny too when news anchor George Weber was murdered. It’s not just a women’s issue. And you know what, it’s not even a sex issue! A Minnesota woman who answered a babysitting ad was murdered through Craigslist too.

Oh my god, it’s a Craigslist issue then! No. It’s a “murdering fuckwad” issue. Craigslist did not kill these people. Murderers killed these people.

It’s true that Craigslist is a major advertising venue, for prostitutes but also sex workers of all kinds: the largest in the nation. Its loss will have a distinct effect on the people who use it. Here’s how it works: we advertise to attract the clients we want, and screen to eliminate the clients we don’t, but the number of clients we need stays the same. Anything that hurts our methods of attracting clients, like the shutdown of Erotic Services, will affect how stringent our screening can afford to be. It’s pretty clear to me that Craigslist has just made its sex workers more marginalized and more at risk.

Now, Craigslist has no responsibility to provide an advertising venue. But if Attorney General Richard Blumenthal is trying to make sex workers safer, he’s going about it all wrong. He doesn’t need to protect us from ourselves, or from our clients. He needs to protect us from criminals.

Julia Brisbane’s death was not her fault.

Seriously. I’d think this was obvious, but apparently it’s not. NO ONE ASKS TO BE MURDERED. No one asks to be assaulted, robbed or raped, either.

It’s like that old question: How can men help stop rape? They can stop raping women. Trite, but true. How do we stop crime against sex workers? We stop criminals from committing crime. We don’t tell people to stop being sex workers.

On the face of it maybe the Attorney General is dumb enough to think this will work. If there are two elements to crime against sex workers — criminals and sex workers — then removing either one will solve it, right? But the problem is that crime against sex workers doesn’t stop there. There are two principles at work here:

Sex work is never, ever going away. It doesn’t matter what you think about its current forms: the ability to decide why to have sex is an inseparable part of reproductive freedom. It will exist as long as people control their bodies and dictate the terms of access.

Sex worker rights are human rights. No matter what you think about the existence of sex work, all sex workers are people and all people — in the eyes of criminals and sometimes even the law — are potential sex workers. Rights denied to sex workers are rights that can be denied to anybody else. As long as people are harming sex workers, “innocent” people are going to fall by the wayside.

I got an upsetting email a few days ago, asking for my “bad date list” contacts (which it turns out are sadly limited). A woman he knew had been brutally raped, and he thought that because the attackers called her a whore, they were targeting sex workers. I doubt it. I think they were probably just calling her a whore because it was their word for a woman they wanted to dehumanize.

Take away the real whores, and you don’t remove the criminals and their hatred, or their search for an easy target. In fact, the darlings of the AG’s theory — the innocents who’ve never traded sex for money — are going to start to get it in our stead. (Not that they don’t already.) Is that what Blumenthal really wants?

There is a solution here: stop telling sex workers not to use the Internet. Stop telling us not to have sex. Stop telling us not to have the nerve to charge for it. And start protecting us. The AG is missing the point, and that is a tragic epitaph to hang on another woman’s death.

EDIT: Some related posts:

Breaking: Craigslist to end Erotic Services << Bound Not Gagged

Waking Vixen: PRESS RELEASE: “Erotic Services” Denied: Craigslist and Attorneys General Are Putting Sex Workers At Risk

Salon: Craigslist Xes Out Sex Ads

Thanks to everyone who has forwarded this to me today from various newsgroups.  It’s the news we were waiting for, but the news we were hoping not to get.

I’ve been working on this since September when a number of pro-Dommes and concerned community members contacted NCSF about the arrests of pro-Dommes for prostitution. It’s taken months of dealing with the Manhattan DA’s office to find out that they consider many of the activities that pro-Dommes are doing DO fall under the prostitution statute. Here’s the statement we created for the NYC community to educate pro-Dommes on what we discovered.

It would take a defendant willing to take their case to the appellate level to pin this down for certain. Unfortunately, it’s an ad hoc case-by-case adjudication approach in NYC. This sets up the possibility of a void for vagueness constitutionality challenge against the prostitution law, but who is willing to fight it?

To raise awareness about this issue, NCSF is also participating in the Stop the Arrests coalition in NYC that includes the Anti-Violence Project, Queer Justice League, the Urban Justice League’s Sex Worker Project and others to protest the crack down on consensual sex and false arrests for prostitution.

Susan

NCSF Statement on Professional Dominatrices in New York

NCSF has been contacted by over a dozen concerned members of the BDSM community in New York about the arrests of dozens of professional Dominatrices in Manhattan that started in early 2008. The pro-Domme community in New York City, which has been a vibrant part of the BDSM community for decades, has been ravaged by these prosecutions for prostitution and for promoting prostitution, resulting in the closure of a number of pro-Domme houses.

NCSF contacted the Manhattan DA’s office in order to clarify what sort of “for-pay” BDSM activities are considered legal in New York State. On February 5th, Susan Wright, along with outside counsel, met with ADA Leroy Frazer and Lisa Friel, head of the Sex Crimes Unit, to get their legal opinion.

Pro-Dommes have traditionally considered their BDSM-for-pay to be legal. One case decided by a local misdemeanor court, People v. Georgia A., 163 Misc.2d 634 (Crim. Ct. Kings Co. 1994), supports this position, holding that “sado-masochistic acts such as domination, foot licking, spanking and submission” are not “sexual conduct” prohibited by the prostitution statute. However, that decision is not binding even on other misdemeanor courts, and Ms. Friel described it as “not worth the paper it was written on.” Also, as stated in Georgia A.:

“The term sexual conduct is not defined in the statute but has since been described in various cases. That conduct includes acts of masturbation, homosexuality, sexual intercourse, or physical contact of the person’s clothed or unclothed genitals, buttocks or a woman’s breast. ( People v Block, 71 Misc 2d 714 [1972].)”

According to ADA Frazer, their office does not make prosecution of pro-Dommes a priority. However, according to their interpretation of the law, any form of “payment in exchange for touching in an intimate place either over clothing or nude” would constitute prostitution. This includes any touching of the genitals, anus, and breasts.

Under Georgia A, certain BDSM activities such as humiliation, role-play, foot worship, D/s, service activities, and bondage were found to be exempt from the prostitution statute, as long as no other sexual activities were involved.  Ms. Friel opined Georgia A is based on a misunderstanding of the scope of the prostitution statute and that “sexual conduct” should be defined as what is arousing to the participants, not what is arousing to the outside “vanilla” observer.

Therefore, activities such as flogging, CBT or genitorture, spanking, body worship and nipple torture, in addition to more overtly sexual activities, would fall within the Manhattan DA’s understanding of prostitution when they are done for pay and either party is aroused by them.

NCSF opposes the prosecution of pro-dominants under prostitution laws. Consenting adults engaging in safe, sane, consensual SM, fetishes, and cross-dressing services do not pose legitimate health or safety issues for local communities. What these adults agree to do in private is no one else’s business.

NCSF is currently exploring ways to cooperate with other sex-positive activist groups in New York City to protest these arrests, as well as the alleged entrapment and arrests of gay men for prostitution. If you have been arrested for prostitution for doing BDSM activities, or if you would like more information, please contact: susanw@ncsfreedom.org

February 11, 2009

Miss Victoria X, who I have not yet had the pleasure of meeting, posted a pretty comprehensive rundown of relevant case law. There’s also some vigorous case law research happening in the comments to my last post.

Playing armchair lawyer is all well and good, but in my understanding, it’s a moot point. The girls were charged with a specific offense (sexual intercourse for money) that no one at that house ever performed or offered. You read that right: It’s not about domination. So we can drop the debates about whether a technicality got them in trouble. This is about being female and politically unpalatable.

As angry as I am, it’s useless — I’m just a bystander here. All I’ve lost is a job.

Since I posted, I’ve been getting privately a lot of offers of support. That’s sweet and it warms my heart. I’ve also noticed a surprising dearth of aspersions, at least within the community: surprising, considering how much we’d all rather believe that the girls screwed up than that the police would arrest innocent women on patently false pretenses. No one wants to believe that she can be arrested for being female in the wrong place at the wrong time.

I will try to pass on your support, but please understand that except for a few phone numbers and email addresses, we’re not a community and there isn’t any plan of action.

If you need to do something RIGHT NOW, please consider donating to the Sex Worker Project and the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom. And again, keep the rumors down.

If you are a sex worker thinking of taking the jump to independent, this looks like a good time! I’ve been recommended Arena Studios and Pandora’s Box for session rentals, and will review them if I try them.

Enough of this angelic bullshit!

Submissive clients: What’s with the eating pussy?

Look, I like a side of rough sex with my domination as much as the next girl, but in commercial-land that’s straight up illegal. I’m not trying to perpetuate an unhealthy paradigm where dominant women are too good to be touched and they never get fucked. Sex-free domination is, as far as I can tell, an unfortunate product of the United States legal system. (And then a lot of stupid people bought into it.)

I know eating pussy is great. I have done some in my time. While I’m no great devotee of receiving, I’ve appreciated quite a fair bit more. But for money? It’s abso-fucking-lutely illegal.

I’d like to say whores are more honest than pro-doms, but in the whisper-quick scope of my experience with whoring, I did not let people eat my pussy. (I’m a big fan of safe sex; nothing gets me enthusiastic about the thought of sucking commercial cock like latex.) Even if I were whoring, it turns out, you’d be out of luck.

If you consider that not all whores will engage in something as intimate as unprotected oral sex, the request seems even crazier. I’m going to engage in it on the spur of the moment? Here? With you?

While I’m on the topic, I’ll reiterate: we cannot have oral sex of any kind. “God, I wish you could suck my dick!” exclaimed a client the other day.

That’ll bypass my usual politesse. “Not gonna happen,” I retorted.

“Not a question of money, huh?” The implication being it was a matter of morality.

“No, it’s not.” Though not morality, either.

You see, it doesn’t matter how close we are, or how much I like you. It doesn’t matter how many hours you buy with me or how many gifts you give me. You are not going to eat my pussy for cash. It’s not a reflection of your usefulness, your devotion, your submission, or my desire. It is something new and entirely unrelated: your face in my cunt. None of these reasons matter. Not past the part where I’ve told you “no”.

Least likely method to change my mind: calling it slyly. “Mistress, I’ll do absolutely anything you want, no matter what it is. I want to be forced to worship you totally. I would love to give you pleasure, Goddess! This is all about your orgasms, not mine.”

Great plan! Trick me into agreeing to something illegal and unsafe, then expect me to go through with it, while pretending it was all my idea. Yeah, that’ll work.

I do not like being treated like I’m stupid, which is what these ploys boil down to. Knowing what you know, it’s downright fucking rude. And don’t ruin oral sex for me, either. “Intimate body worship”? Yeccch.

The best refutation of the femdom-canon pussy-eating I have ever read remains Bitchy Jones’ “Here, Kitty, Kitty“. Even if Bitchy makes you cry a little inside (like she does me) here she is magic.

Cunnilingus-seekers: employ a whore. Perhaps consider retaining a mistress if STD tests are of concern to you. From her you can get all the things you lack when you employ me as a pro-domme. Expecting sex and begging for it leaves us both mightily dissatisfied. In a good session I can do the things you want; in a frustrating one, I can’t. I don’t appreciate the implication that I’m a bad (distant, prudish, frigid) provider, and it cheats me of satisfaction from things I do offer and enjoy.

Please, for the love of all that’s holy, stop asking! There are better ways to get me to say “no”.

At dinner on Saturday, a friend asked me if I would pay for sex. I said, Yes, of course! I’m amazed, and dismayed, that I never have.

We posited that intrinsic difficulty prevented me. The research, the selection, the call, the appointment, the wait, the interview, the paying, the shuffling between rooms, more waiting, the undressing. Somewhere in there my libido would quail, and I would flee in cowardice.

Perhaps I had never wanted it badly enough. To that I said: Oh no, oh God, I have. The depth and depravity of my want could swallow small middle-American towns. I merely sought out other outlets.

Now, I am here to wonder why paying $200 seemed like a less viable plan than the various stupid, desperate, unsafe, ill-advised, or unsatisfactory choices I’ve consummated over the past few years. I assure you, much of the time, it would have been better to pay.

Why have I not paid? Am I just a pussy and a hypocrite? Here are a few of my theories.

1. My primary sexual orientation is men. The only providers available are women.

   While there might be male sex workers I could hire, I do not know where to find them. There’s no TER or MaxFisch, no client review boards. I’d have to be as worried about getting beaten up and raped as if I were selling it. (Now that’s a shocking concept for all the people who ask me, “Aren’t you scared you’ll get attacked?” Assault isn’t about selling sex — hell, I could be selling real estate. It’s about violence and isolation.)

2. There is little social precedent for women buying sex.

   I really don’t know how to go about it. Just as a man would, I know — but in no other aspect of my life do I seek to do something “just like a man”. Clients are Johns. Clients are Marks. Alans, not Alenas. The client role feels heavily gendered, and not in a hot transgressive way.

3. Female providers are accustomed to serving men. I worry that were I to buy from a woman, I would discomfit her.

   In a dungeon she wouldn’t know the level of sexual interaction I expect from her. I even fear she might be insulted or confused if I didn’t want any — i.e., as if she were a stopgap fetish fulfilment when I really wanted a man. (Actually I think my strap-on serves as fetish fulfilment for some men who want men, and it’s not insulting, just bemusing — but still. I worry.)

   How would she feel about penetrating me with a toy? Making me come with a vibrator? How would I feel? It’s a bit legally sketchy.

4. I have enjoyed an outlet in video experiences, where I picked my jobs and played with experienced tops.

   See also #1. Competence and experience is important to me. With no review board, I might have to appear naked on the Internet to get my experience, but at least I know what they do and that they’re safe. And I kind of get off on the “you have to do it for the site, whether you like it or not” aspect.

   On the plus side, those people pay me.

5. I am hung up on reciprocity.

   This is one of my least favorite admissions. Many people say “I couldn’t pay a whore: I need to know she’s enjoying it!” I say: You’re paying her, that’s what she enjoys. At least this way you don’t have to wonder if she’s coming. You know she likes the money!

   Additionally, I find it frustrating when I hear it from clients. “It’s all about you, Mistress. I want this to be about your pleasure.” It is always my “pleasure” to do it — or I wouldn’t do it. I know you want maximum value for your fantasy, and you think my orgasm would be proof, but it’s not for sale. I am not going to get off in session — I’m just not. Leave my intent alone and accept your experience at face value. It’s better for us both.

   As a client, I think I’d break this rule. Selfishly, I must want to be wanted. Otherwise I wouldn’t care so much if my provider’s sexual orientation matched mine. I don’t like that desire: having sex for affirmation is more than vaguely creepy. I’d rather fuck for orgasms, thanks! Paid sex is not a place to look for affirmation.

6. My kinks are not the sort of thing I could pay for.

   My second least favorite hypothesis, below only #5. Sounds snobby. Like all of you enjoying your whores have proletarian tastes, but my rarefied desires require morsels that can only be obtained from the tropics at great trouble and expense? Yeah, bullshit. I ain’t that special.

   As a submissive, I would want to be the object of a partner’s sadism. In other words, to be hurt because it gets my partner off. Again, there’s proof-of-wanting in it — ugh — but there’s also a suspiciously martyr-like thread of “it’s not about me”. Double ugh!

   As a provider I rail against these concepts. They are fantasy. Wanting them honestly and earnestly doesn’t make them buyable. Sadism and desire exist only nebulously, as intent, not the provable meat-world realm of nouns and verbs that we can purchase.
   
   How to get around this? I suspect I could tell my provider exactly how to act, and try to focus on my experience, rather than dwelling like an obnoxious prat on her intent. (See the client advice in #4, above.) Whoring is the reality TV of sex. While it’s a contrived situation, the experiences can be real. When turned on we’re all easy to roll. Besides — pain is great at bringing immediacy to a fantasy.

   Alternately, I could go for the “I’m so pathetic, you’re only paying attention because I’m paying you” shtick. But it’s not really my thing.

7. I’ve been lucky enough to get mine for free.

   Maybe I am privileged. Maybe it’s because of my irresistable personality. Maybe because of my socialization as a woman to “give” and be “fluid”, I’ve been willing to compromise and perform more than those who have chosen to pay. Who knows? Maybe I’m not actually having more sex than other people. Certainly the choice to pay for sex does not correlate with partners and their quality, or the lack thereof.

   But my partners do take the edge off. These days, if I find myself tying myself up in the covers and attempting to hump the subway bench dividers, I just make a call and get on the train.

I guess it doesn’t hurt to ask in the questioning process: why do you have sex (or “non-sex” kink)? I don’t know if there are good reasons and bad reasons to have sex, but some are better recommendations to a provider than others. (Romantic connection = not so good. Getting off = great!)

Someday I would like to pay. And yes, I want it to be a man, and a top. If the submissive is really in control, that’s me you’ll see, gleefully fucking the paradigm up the ass with my big rubber femdom cock.

So you want to see a sex worker, and you’re worried about etiquette?

None of my advice has changed in the year since I wrote this, so I think it’s pretty solid.

Tip.

As with any service profession, I think 15-20% is standard for good service. If you plan to be a regular, tipping will endear you. If you see other girls who permit grabbiness, pushiness or other disrespectful behavior, tipping may excuse you. (Though you’ll never tip me, because I’ll throw you out of your session.)

You are never under any obligation or expectation to tip. If you ask for what you want and are satisfied with what I offer, you’ll get an outstanding session for list price, every time. Tipping’s not necessary.

What does tipping do for you, then? It makes you more memorable to me, and the session more rewarding. Since I do not expect anything in the way of tips, they tend to go into the fluff and fun portion of my budget. Your $20 (or $60, or $100) means that when I treat myself to a meal I might’ve skipped or an indulgent cab ride home, you (and your naked body) will cross my mind appreciatively. And if you plan to be a regular, you may get that extra 20% of enthusiasm next time.

In short: even a little is always worth it.

Ask for what you want.

I think this applies in all areas of life, but especially in sex work. If you are too shy, too repressed, or otherwise unwilling to ask for what you want, you will be disappointed when you don’t get it. Maybe you’ll get lucky and your provider will either suss out your darkest desire, or give you a satisfactory substitute — but don’t count on it. We are not mind readers. We also don’t take kindly to the implication that we’re bad providers if we don’t offer extra (or different) services beyond the contracted. Failure to communicate means an unsatisfactory session for you, and a frustrating one for us.

The guys who get the best sessions from me go so far as to bring letters describing their kinks. I really admire how forthright some of them can be.

Take what you like, and leave the rest.

So, you fancy over-the-knee spanking. When you see me, that’s all you get, in all the variations you like and none of the ones that horrify you. So why insult the cross on the wall, scoff at the toys hanging by the door, and act squeamish about the services I offer to other clients? I know you probably have trouble accepting your kink — lots of people do — but villifying others won’t legitimize yours. Stop voting Republican already! If all my clients thought like you, I’d be out of a job, which isn’t really what you want.

Respect your provider.

This is a large category, but I will try to pick out a few points.

First: the stereotypes. When you see me, you are booking with a sweet, safety-conscious, intelligent professional. Stupid and drug-addled is not a role I play, so if you treat me that way, I will throw you out.

I understand you’ve encountered many stereotypes about sex workers. We have youth, inexperience, stupidity, drug problems, low self-esteem, poor education, and precarious lives. However, I possess none of these (besides the youth, which is quite apparent when you choose to see me). If you can’t get over your prejudices and this bothers you, don’t see me. You’ll only find me disgusting, and my resentment aside, you’ll have an unsatisfying session.

Perhaps you just don’t believe that someone as good as I appear would voluntarily indulge in the kinks for which you condemn yourself. To you, I say: there are thousands of professional doms in the country, some of them published authors and accomplished professionals in other, more “legitimate” fields. Find one whose sanity, competence and willingness pleases you.

Also, therapy.

Don’t haggle.

Don’t bitch about the price of a session. If it’s too expensive, don’t buy it, or go elsewhere. Pleading for more time, more services, or more intimacy is rude and insulting. You don’t go to an upscale restaurant to complain about portion size and the waitress’s neckline; you go to the dive bar down the street instead.

Do not, under any circumstances, mutter as you leave that your money will just go to buy me more crack for my abusive boyfriend.

Be clean.

It sounds obvious, but… shower. Seriously. I do not care what weight you are, what color, what religion, or how many nipples or testicles you have. (Yes, it varies.) I care if you smell. Cologne is unpleasant, too.

On the other hand, if you want something up your ass, you don’t necessarily need to give yourself an enema. (Let me! Let me! I mean…) Let your comfort level be the arbiter.

Play safe.

Allow your provider any safety measures she wants: gloves, condoms, towels, papers, sheets. Don’t ever delude yourself that money means your comfort comes before our safety. Don’t take offense and protest that you’re “clean”. It’s a simple syllogism: if you have to tell us, you can’t prove it, and we’d rather not worry anyway.

We always appreciate when you offer to help clean up. Especially if you come on the floor. Ick. Don’t do that.

Accept the “no”.

Sex workers have a grand history of offering illegal (and thus unspoken/implied) services. I do not. You, the client, never know this for sure. Believe it or not, I don’t mind (that much) if you ask me for something illegal: a handjob, blowjob, sex, whatever. I will tell you no politely and firmly.

The proper response is to accept the “no”.

Improper responses include:
“But you made me so turned on, you have to take care of it!”
“Please, I’ll do anything you want!”
“Do you really think I’m a cop?”
“I know you want to; I can tell I turn you on.”
“Who’s going to know but you and me?”
“The other girls do it.”
“I’ll tip you ($xx).”

At first all of these arguments puzzle a sex worker, who is after all just a well-meaning person who hates to refuse a request. But trust me, after a couple weeks we have smart comebacks for all of them. We never feel the slightest obligation.

Do not, under any circumstances, try to physically force your provider into doing something she has refused. Don’t pull down her panties. Don’t try to slide her bra straps off her shoulders. Don’t try to fondle her, hold her down, grab her, hump her, or pull her hand onto your penis. That is assault; you shouldn’t count on the sex-work stigma to separate your provider from the protection of the police. The best you can hope for is a knee to the testicles and a swift end to the session.

Respect your provider’s privacy.

Follow her instructions — manner of contacting her, and when, where and how to arrive and leave. Not only do these procedures ensure you a quiet, confidential and unhurried experience, but they ensure her safety and peace of mind.

Remember, nothing “earns” you special treatment: not repeat visits, not extravagant tipping, not gifts or protestations of affection. She did not promise you anything, and she owes you nothing. If she wants you to have her personal phone or her home address, she will give it to you. If she offers outcall, dinner dates, or shopping excursions, she will tell you about them.

Pressuring a provider to offer these services will usually be unsuccessful, and is always rude. Hire someone else.

I haven’t been able to stop talking about one of CM Hurt’s presentations. I only knew it was entitled Nurse Nasty, so assumed it was medical somehow. But I did remember seeing her name years ago on BMEzine (what better recommendation?) so I dropped in.

Holy. Shit.

I’ve been having trouble explaining what about it struck me so. I’m not into nurse roleplay, I don’t fetishize medicine, and I’m a relative wimp with needles. But that class shattered the ceiling for brutal and creative sadism. Just watching I hyperventilated and had to sit down.

More on that later — though you can all rest easy knowing I won’t be putting needles through testicles any time soon.

A lot of my friends hooked up. I was gleeful. I love seeing connections happen.

All too soon we had to leave, and so we drove the five hours home in the rain. That was actually one of my favorite parts of the weekend: having that mellow time to talk about the weekend, and flirt purely for the sake of staying awake.

I got back to this, which was nice, and an email titled “I can has handz tied?” containing naked bondage photos, which was nice too.

I spent today sleeping late and studying, coming out only for CV. I’ve seen Blaise speak before, but tonight he was pure brilliance handling the touchy topic of substances and BDSM. Some would tell me that entire class could be summed up by “Don’t”. They would miss an excellent discussion on mental states (not just the drug-induced), trauma reactions, oft-abused pseudo-medical vocabulary, and personal responsibility.

Black Rose was lovely. But coming back to New York always makes me realize how much I have come to feel like this is home.

“He tipped you,” she told me.

That’s not a tip; it’s a bribe. “He wants a handjob,” I said as I stuffed rope in my bag.

“Whatever do you mean?”

“Every time a man has tipped me before the session started, it’s been with the expectation of special treatment.”

“Nooo. Really?” She thinks I’m a horrible cynic.

I once refused to take a hundred-dollar bill. Oh, how sweet of you! As much as I appreciate it — and you’ll certainly have a good time, yes, of course — I would hate for there to be any misunderstanding. So I’m going to set this on the table, all right? And I want you to hold onto it for me until the end of our session. That way, I can be sure that you really and truly appreciate all those delicious things I’m going to do to you.

That client left, and the money with him. Integrity is expensive, but taking the money and feigning ignorance feels dangerous. People like their agreements fulfilled. Men are large.

“If I come flying out of the room, you’ll know what’s up,” I called over my shoulder as I went in.

The client was even more hopeful than I had predicted. Several times during the session we repeated ourselves like well-rehearsed actors: plea, demurral, apology, pleasant assurance of offense not taken. But he never pressed the issue, and so I finished the session.

At the door, he thanked me and slipped a hundred-dollar bill into my hand.

I feel quite smugly righteous at the moment.

Today I want to link to Annie Sprinkle’s The 40 Reasons Why Whores Are My Heroes.

How is this relevant to anything I do? you might ask. You’re not a whore — you’re a dominatrix. You whip people and make them say thank you while they kiss your boots. You are never required to be naked or vulnerable or patient; you don’t give pleasure.

Well… I would expect a shitstorm, but no one’s reading me yet, so I might as well get this out of the way early.

It ain’t so different. It’s all sex work.

I come to pro domination from other fields of sex work. I did a bit of erotic modeling, sometimes for amateurs and aspiring pornographers. I stripped briefly. I did foot fetish work. I even dabbled in prostitution.

With this in mind, I eased into pro domination warily. I get some credit for being kinky in my private time, but I was certainly no forceful, raging bitch who found her ecumenical calling at this job. Most of the things I’d done seemed in direct opposition to the image of a dominatrix. I had pleased men for money before — including a couple of upstanding retail jobs — and I had enjoyed it. I was terrified someone would find out and accuse me of betraying the sisterhood.

In a way I’ve always been beholden to “the sisterhood”, this odd idea that I represent all of womankind and must behave appropriately. It kept me from doing private sessions — think disposable camera — when I modeled, because I marketed myself as a model (even through I was doing bachelor parties at the time) and that wasn’t what I wanted people to think other models did. It kept me quiet when I started doing porn, for the same reason. Now as a professional dom I’ve got all sorts of people out for the blood of my kin, even if they can’t get worked up over a baby dom like me. The BDSM scene isn’t always welcoming to pros, and I understand why (exploitation’s never nice). But now anyone with a chip on their shoulder wants to prove that I’m really submissive, or at least not truly dominant (whatever the fuck that means). Switches hate me for putting them into categories, submissive men and dominant women hate me for perpetuating stereotypes and cheapening their joys. And most worryingly? This time, I care about it all.

First, let’s get the legalities out of the way: I do not fuck and I do not suck. Not at my job, at least. Clients can’t come to me and get a handjob. All these things are illegal in the state of New York, and it is both stupid and rude to ask me or any other pro-dom if we do them. In this manner professional domination is nothing like whoring.

On the other hand, clients are still coming to us to buy a sexual service. Clients are naked, we are scantily clad. We will hear what they want (which should align with what we offer) and deliver what we think they will interpret as a good experience. This is true even if what I do is cane them bloody, say degrading things and send them out teary, sniffling, and smelling like piss.

A common conceit is that clients can pay me for my time and I can do whatever I like. Ugh! I can assure you of two things, one in line with the stereotype and one in opposition. First, at any given time I would probably rather be reading a book in the park; if someone really wants to free up my time from all this terrible, tedious work, research financial slavery. (In other words, give me the money and leave; don’t sit around whining about how you’re not worthy. I’m only too happy to believe you.) Second, the joy I take in domination is closely linked to the joy (or whatever it is that involves all the squealing and begging) that you get from submission.

Never have I had a job where my clients made me feel so weird about respect and compassion. Or seen so much internalized guilt passed off as sexual fantasy.

The most boring session for me is one where I poke at you with random implements and you don’t respond. I might as well be sticking pins in a mannequin for all the sexual thrill I get out of that. I don’t doubt that pain hurts you, or denial frustrates you; my pleasure lies in the fact that you’ve asked me for it anyway.

So yes, what I like is linked to what you like. Why is it so important that your mistress be a callous, uncaring bitch? There are enough of them in the world. Face it — even if I want to make you miserable, I have to care a little about what makes you happy. And that’s quite apart from the fact that you’re an idiot and a liar for wanting “whatever you wish, Mistress”, since you wouldn’t be content with it: I’ve got a business to run, where customer satisfaction is important.

It may be in direct contradiction to the fantasy stereotype, but professional domination is about being good to men. It’s a service profession. Does that make us “service tops”? Sure it does. Can we still be dangerous, sadistic, sexually motivated hellions? Hell, yes.

I just wish people would recognize that what we’re doing is selling sex. Kink as sexual experience, sure, but sex. Even if they don’t jerk off it’s sex. Even if they keep their clothes on it’s sex. And we can’t — shouldn’t! — lord it over other sex workers because we are further distanced from the smelly, sweaty, nasty reality of cock in warm wet place.

Of course, not all pro-doms think this. There’s a lot of contempt for strippers, who get naked — I don’t understand it, will even do sessions topless. (Then again I’ve never claimed to be a proper pro, just one who pays the rent.) There’s a lot of contempt for prostitutes, too. I really can’t see that one: it’s our disrespect for prostitutes that creates all the inappropriate, and sometimes frighteningly forceful, ways men solicit me for sex. And I do fantasy faciliation without a hint of guilt. I don’t think that submission is something I need to teach a foot fetishist to appreciate, or that every role-player can be “trained” into appreciating pain. No one kink is better than the other, even when it’s not kinky.