CALICO LANE

This entry brought to you by the idea that it is awesome to masturbate, and I would be in a much better mood if I did it more.  But the mess… sigh!

You see, strong external vibes (Hitachi, Acuvibe, even my Pocket Rocket) can make me squirt.  (That’s supposed to be a G-spot thing.  But I am given to understand that the g-spot and clit are either related or connected or parts of the same thing. My experience isn’t typical, but not unheard of.) I can get off with my hands and no puddle, but it’s not the world-rocking, overwhelming orgasm I have with a partner… or a vibrator.  Usually it just winds me up more.  A vibrator is fun and intense, sort of a mechanical middleman, like the old joke about jerking off with a non-dominant hand.

So I asked Twitter:

MissCalico bets you’d know: is there an elegant solution to the problem of squirting in bed? Puppy pads, while effective, are not that solution.

What I couldn’t fit in a tweet is that disposable chucks are also expensive and not ecologically friendly.

The answers rolled in:

Dr_Memory @misscalico plastic mattress cover, cheap sheets?

mrsexsmith @misscalico the liberator throe is pretty great.

20_Sided_Dave @misscalico towels, or a receptive mouth!

elisabettampls @misscalico liberator throw ($$$) or washable chux- that’s what I use and they are nice- eBay.

MistressAlexNYC @misscalico Nasty Pig in Chelsea has gorgeous heavy rubber bedsheets.

EssinEm @misscalico I love my @liberator throe!

nikolasco @misscalico towels seem like the obvious way to go. beach towels for size, doubled- or tripled-up as needed

MsMaggieMayhem @misscalico Rubber sheets under your top sheet go unnoticed for the most part.

johannapotente @misscalico Nasty Pig Play Sheets?

lqqkout @misscalico Liberator Throw?

DominaSnow @misscalico Bamboo towels. Super absorbent and super soft. Match them to your sheets. #squirtingsolution

MJCino @misscalico Towels could be more elegant than puppy pads. Bonus elegance points for matching/complimenting bedsheets. Squirt doilys are no

StrapOnJo I vote against the Liberator Throw. No traction for hard fucking b/c it slides around. @misscalico Liberator Throw? via @lqqkout

That’s four for the Liberator “Fascinator Throe“, one against; three for the Nasty Pig Play Sheets, which are actually a sort of machine-washable neoprene; four for towels; one for a plastic mattress cover; two (counting an email vote) for washable chucks like the Luv Linen; and one (sigh, someone had to say it) for a mouth.

These are all great options.  But it still boils down to the question: would I rather have an orgasm, or do laundry? And it seems silly, but fuck, I hate doing laundry.

Luckily I have generous friends with waterproof vibes and big bathtubs.

SW called me on my dangling tags in the last post: I was writing about The Beautiful Kind’s awesome and yet disgusting post on ass to mouth.  She recruited a “sexy microbiologist” (who doesn’t want one of those?) who swabbed his mouth, ass, and genital skin, and cultured what he found…

ass culture. no really.

While I think I am less squicked by bodily fluids than most, this still got to me.  Once I got done making faces and shaking my head, I had to post it. (via Figleaf)

Guess what I did the last time I had sex? Yes. Yes, that. In my defense, it was as squeaky clean as ass-to-mouth ever gets.  Didn’t even taste like lube. (I don’t care how nice your sheets are, if you put a lube-covered cock in my mouth, spitting on them is totally fair game.)

The other picture I need for this post is me blogging, with the caption “TMI: No Wonder You’re Not Getting Laid”.

I’m actually in bed with my laptop right now, waiting for PD & crew to be ready to shoot.  I’m still sick with last week’s headcold.  I think whatever I coughed up this morning was alive.

At least Twitter assures me I’m not alone in hating the Celebrator:

DiaZerva @misscalico I’d rather be cattle prodded 100 times than take the Celebrator.. that thing is evil & put me on the verge of tears. OUCH!

Twitter interests me. “Part messageboard and part water cooler” (according to Vivian), it’s a powerful if unorthodox media tool. It was the first place I heard about the Kink.com layoffs. It was how I got news last week of a friend’s death.

I credit Twitter with facilitating my acquaintance with Graydancer, to the point that he let some strange blogger chick sleep in his room at Dark Odyssey with his rope. (I’m pretty sure he could take me in a fight, but … the hemp! That shit’s expensive!) And that turned into an amazing weekend. I reconnected with friends, went to classes (which I usually can’t be arsed to do), played hard and often (haven’t in months), and tried flesh hooks for the very first time.

Why so amazing? Well, I’ve been having a rough time, and it’s been hard to talk about that. Even to say I feel healed implies, falsely or not, that I was broken.

But hey, I’m back! I write, so I might as well post. I do play with egotistical bastards who like to see themselves flattered on the Internet. [ducks] I have no reason to hide when I’m microblogging right on my sidebar. And I finally have something nice to say.

With Twitter and its “what are you doing?” ethos, I’m working on the difference between action and identity. Sex work is what I do; it’s not who I am. This year, to the amusement of friends and strangers on Twitter, what I’m doing is stripping — and blogging it from the dressing room. Maybe next year things will change again. But whatever I’m doing right now, I know I can’t fit it into 140 characters.