CALICO LANE

Last night I went to see Cinekink’s screening of Graphic Sexual Horror, the Insex documentary by Barbara Bell and Anna Lorentzon. If you get the chance to see it, jump! It was well-done. It left me feeling both profoundly conflicted and aroused: a feeling, after several years of shooting with PD, with which I am familiar.

I’ve worked on both his current softer sites, Hardtied and Infernal Restraints. I never worked for Insex. The documentary took its name from the disclaimer on the site’s splash page: WARNING! GRAPHIC SEXUAL HORROR.

I did follow Insex avidly, from discovering it through its close. I had never seen anything like it. It was bizarre and terrifying and revolting and absolutely riveting.

I didn’t masturbate to it. I mean, it didn’t look like sex. I don’t know if I could have honestly told you that it turned me on.

Everyone comes to bondage porn for different reasons, but 912 still has the best story. When I met 912, she was PD’s girlfriend and videographer. I was more than a little scared of her and the screaming fights I seemed to provoke between her and PD. I was certain she’d walk in during one of PD’s “inspirational” moments with me in the barn, fling her HD camera to the ground, and rip off my head with her bare hands.

Over breadsticks at some dim and greasy Pizza Hut, I asked 912 how she got into modeling. In the film, she tells that story. She’d contacted Insex asking for a private session with PD. Naturally, she was confused and shocked when, after her shoot, they cut her a check! I had never heard such an innocent confession of desire. I do not understand your jealousy, I thought, but … that? I understand that.

I wrote Insex, too. How could I not? And I was emailing with Cyd about modeling at the time that their payment processors pulled out and the site shut down.

I wonder sometimes how I would have turned out if I had shot for Insex. I know I would have done a great many things. Maybe if I had done those things, it would have broken me — but now I never will.

Money was the theme running throughout the documentary. Can consent really exist where there is money, and so much of it? Where does responsibility lie? Many of the girls had drug habits to support. PD dated and played with his models and even, according to some, made work contingent on it. If he respected safewords, he has interesting interpretations of boundaries. Money made Insex lavish, careless, unprofessional and greedy; and then when the money was gone, they had to follow.

I usually embrace the money-and-consent problem. I like the feeling of having endured. Coerce me, baby! I want permission! Until I sort out my issues and get New Age-y with my desires, the money is a great excuse to have fun.

Of course, when people ask me why I don’t do vanilla porn, I tell them I don’t just do porn for the money. I want to do porn that interests me. I love sex; but this, this was irresistible. Maybe the people who ask me that question have never wanted something that much.

For better or worse, the old cast and crew of Insex populate the porn world I know. Matt Williams, Cyd, Angelene, Lorelei Lee — all familiar faces. It was fun to see them all interviewed after years of post-Insex gossip. Apparently, Claire Adams has always been possessed of that unearthly composure. And I was perversely cheered to see a young Princess Donna, threatened with a cattle prod, interrupt a live feed to hiss, “That is a hard limit!” Oh, Princess, how times have changed.

One of PD’s employees was there with his girlfriend. When I left I hugged him and said, “I’ll give you guys a call when I grow the balls again.”

I always need it. It’s just a matter of time.

Next up in my closet-cleaning is The Pleasure’s All Mine: The Memoir of a Professional Submissive by Joan Kelly. (Original review on Sugarbutch; my comment is reposted here.)

What I wanted from it: an insightful, hot and/or eye-opening look into the business and experiences of a professional submissive.

What I got: a personal memoir of a girl drawn to sexual submission, who finds that commercial channels will provide her opportunity and motive (cash!) for the sexual thrills that she’s too timid and ignorant to seek recreationally.

And let’s not start on the business end. Joan Kelly has … interesting boundaries. She falls for and tries to date her first client at a commercial dungeon? One of her (more disturbing) clients just “decides” that ass-fucking is on her pro-subbing menu? It’s very Pretty Woman. But not all sex workers are Cinderellas waiting for our Prince Save-a-Ho. I would hesitate to give this book to a new or curious submissive or hopeful sex worker. What’s hot and ends well makes for a good story, but it’s a poor business model.

I really wanted the promised solution to the problems inherent in professional submission: as the book back reads, “the difficulty of remaining self-possessed, all the while surrendering to the sexual will of others”. Not so much.

If I sound too critical of Marnie/Joan, it’s because she scares me a little. I’m glad it worked for her. Things worked out for me, too, and God knows, I’ve never been a model sex worker. But if I can’t read about excellence, at least I want funny and well-examined failure. I wanted more self-possession, more introspection, more direction, more… ownership of her sexuality and desires and her work.

In a lot of little ways, the messages of this book frustrated me. Yes — I wish that women didn’t find it easier to fuck/play for cash than to assert their own desires as worthwhile. I wish that men didn’t find it easier to pay for sex/play than to make themselves interested in, and nonjudgmental to, the women who want it. And maybe if there wasn’t such stigma, women like Joan could let themselves think more about what they do, and go about their business in a safer, more intelligent, dare I say more defensible way.

If you’re going to promise subversiveness, try harder.

If you want my copy of The Pleasure’s All Mine, it’s free to the first taker to comment and claim it. Email me your address at misscalico (at) gmail (dot) com. Bonus points for telling me why you want it: I like to know!